Maybe my social engagement isn't as high as you would expect it to be, but I go out and I sell 3,000 tickets in New York City on my last tour in 2019 a month before the show.” I have a community of people who will come and spend a night with me, which is what I really want. I do feel like I was given a gift, which is my community of fans who have been showing up for me in this very cult-y way that I always feel so grateful for because I look around at so many artists and we're all struggling in our own ways and trying to pad out different parts of our careers. I don't totally understand how it happened.
Your fan base is a real community and there's a catharsis in the work that you do that has always been there, but now it feels like that's really being pushed through the music and in a very conscious way as well. So I'm trying to get into that groove where I'm like, “Who cares? I'm having the best time.
If the stakes are low, maybe it's more fun. Of course, the stakes feel so high and scary. I'm like, “Why can't music feel that way?” And it's like, because I have 15 years of trauma and expectations and hopes and dreams and 10,000 hours spent on this thing.
#RECORD KEYSTROKES WITHOUT WATCHME DO TV#
So filming the TV show really taught me something about my experience in music because I went in knowing nothing and had the most incredible month of my life shooting this TV show that had zero stakes for me, because I wasn't at the creative helm. My resume? Empty for this thing other than a spunky attitude and readiness to succeed. That's how I feel about hosting a TV show, The One That Got Away.
#RECORD KEYSTROKES WITHOUT WATCHME DO PROFESSIONAL#
Then finally you arrive at a place where you're like, even though the imposter syndrome is still there and I know I should still feel like I'm inexperienced, somehow I am a professional all of the sudden and people can just trust me to get something done. What can I take from this?” You're gaining experience points and adding patches to the jacket. You spend so long trying on all of these different things to be like, “I wish I was like that, but I'm not. You should like the stuff more now.” But when you're a young person, you don't know any better, so you're just living and it feels so vital.
The first album, you know nothing, so it's your best and everybody always is like, “Your first album is still my favorite,” and there's a part of me that loves that and also fucking hates that. It's a life experience thing, not just a music thing. Once you realize you don't know anything, there's a freedom in that self-discovery. It takes years to realize that you don't really know anything. When we're younger, we think we know everything. I don't want to be insecure, I want to be the most secure about the things I know I can be secure about and let go of all the shit that I am insecure about because I'm not as good at that as other people are and not let that be a problem. I don't want to make choices out of fear, I want to make choices out of strength. And now I'm like, “Am I driving? Do I get to do whatever the fuck I want to do?” And then the question is, “Well, what do I want to do?”įrom the way I wrote these new songs to the way we produced the album to the way we're mixing it, literally every part of making this creative body of work, the choices that were made all come from the same place, which is, I think I've been doing it wrong for a long time and I really want to feel like I did right by myself this time. And then I feel like I turned 30 and all of a sudden it was like they handed over the keys to the car to me. You're keeping your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times and trying to survive. You're on a roller coaster and your hands are up in the air. I think your twenties are for life to live you. I just turned 30, so in pop years I'm 75 years old. Once you get through all of that, though, you find that the easiest thing is being yourself, which sounds like “Blow Out My Candle” and “She Can Dance.” When you're a brand new artist just entering music, it’s easy to say things or create imagery or make songs that don't 100% feel like you.
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